| (no subject) |
[May. 24th, 2006|02:49 pm] |
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You know, moving away from all of your friends is not easy, but after a while you get used to it, you think. Then it blows you away all the emotions that you have been carrying around under your belt when you talk to your friends again. You think about how much they mean to you, all the things you have done together, how you watched them grow up, how much you miss their little quirks, and then also what their life is like without you, if they think about you, how you missed the turning point in their life that really marked their bridge into adulthood, and your goodbye. I don't think that I realized just how proud I am that Tim and Briana were my friends. Just thinking about them makes me beam with pride, I wish that Tim would sing to me. I miss him singing to me. I miss them so much and Im so afraid that I will never see them again. Tim is moving into an apartment with Corbet which is just astounding. To me, Tim is still that silly kid. He isnt old enough to rent an apartment or go to college. My best friend in the whole world is growing up and I missed it all. I missed it, I missed his graduation, I missed the last semster of his high school career, I missed his prom, I missed it all. Most of all, I miss him. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 24th, 2006|10:18 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  uncomfortable | ] |
| [ | music |
| | My fingers a-clack-clack-clackin on the keyboard | ] |
Dear Lord, has it been a month already?!? I am so not ready for another week of bloody hell. God damn my uterus. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 22nd, 2006|08:04 pm] |
"You know, the bad things about good things, is that they get caught in your teeth."
--Daddy after eating a yogurt granola bar |
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| Finally. |
[May. 8th, 2006|09:55 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
So, I reset my password and now I can log on here again. Im in a weird mood right now. I saw some things that I am wondering about and now isnt the appropriate time to ask questions about it, so I have to wait.
Daddy's birthday is on Wednesday and he wants me to write something for him. I don't know what to write because I feel like everything I write lately is just...blech; no good. I don't do fiction, I am horrible at writing poems and so that basically leaves writing out how I feel but that would just be repeating everything I tell him all the time. So, I dont know.
I do know that I want to be better at this, I want to not feel jealousy. But maybe it's that deep down, I want him for myself. Maybe it's that I am not fit for this. Granted, that wouldn't matter to me, because this is not an option for me. He is who I meant to be with and who I will be with for the rest of life, there is no negotiating that. I just...I've only had you in person for a month, she has had you for what, 6 months or something? Please, don't forget that. Maybe I need to find someone else to have interest in so that I am not solely focused on you and when you and Maya spend time together it wont be so hard on me. Maybe...but no, because I dont want anyone else. I just want you.
I looked for, but couldn't find the remote. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 21st, 2006|10:10 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  thankful | ] |
I am still having a hard time believing I actually live here now. It hasnt quite sunk in yet that I get to be this happy; I am allowed to be here and feel loved, cared for, and appreciated finally. I dont know that I could even make a coherent post about all of this because I dont really have the words for it. All I know is that I have never been happier in my life. I dont ever want this to end, and as far as I am concerned it isnt going to.
I love you, Daddy. And Im sorry for making you tired today. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 16th, 2006|10:26 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  indescribable | ] |
I cant even really comprehend that I am leaving tomorrow. Its insane.
I did get a nice phone call from my grandmother, though. We cried and that was the first time Ive ever heard her cry. She doesnt really show emotion. And shes never said I love you before. Ever. |
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| Like a freight train. |
[Mar. 14th, 2006|02:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | Nervous, sad, scared, excited. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Rodeo Clowns" by Jack Johnson. | ] |
Its all hitting me now. All of the emotions that come with something like this are finally sinking in. None of it changes what I want, need, and am going to do but its going to make these next two days or so pretty weird. Aside from the excitement that spans several galaxies, and the nervousness of being in a new environment, there is now sadness and to be honest..I'm a little scared.
I'm scared for my future which is uncertain, at least to a point. I'm scared about having to make new friends, something which I am notorious for not being that great at because of my introvertedness. I'm scared because I will be almost completely out of my comfort zone. And most importantly, because I don't even have my mother to fall back on anymore. I think it might finally be hitting me that the only person in my family that I have is Jacob, but I cant rely on him for much because he is just a child. I just hate that this is all hitting me now. I wish that it could have waited until I got settled there. Then it would be like, "Look at all this stuff I have, leaving wasnt such a bad idea." Not that I think it is, because that isnt it. I just..am going to feel so out of place. I hate being out of my element. But I know this is going to be so good for me, I just have to get beyond this point.
I'm sad. Really sad. And it doesnt help that I dont even have my mother supporting me. Granted, its not like this is anything new; I just hoped that maybe she would this once. But I guess I hope that every time I do something. I just wish that she would actually stop thinking about herself for once. I dont want to cry anymore. I sick and tired of that. I just want to be happy. Completely happy. But that will never happen. |
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| The process of moving. |
[Mar. 12th, 2006|01:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Pissed off that its so hot. | ] |
Well...I told her. I gave her the letter and I havent heard from her yet, so I dont know what that means but I bet its nothing good. Or..if there is a god, it could mean that she is thinking things over so that when she does call she wont be angry. But..that is more unlikely than the earth exploding right now. I've done my part so now it is up to her. I want so badly to see Jacob again before I leave but I dont think that is going to happen. And I hate that she is using him as revenge for me. Or possibly could be using him as that.
I've been packing and rumaging through my belongings for the past week and it is finally looking like Ive done something. All I have left to do after I wash all my clothes is to pack them, then pack the other stupid random shit, which there is not much left of. Five books, posters, two or three notebooks which could very well not make it into the suitcase but thats okay, bathroom stuff, my two towels, etc. But I may weed out some of that stuff. And in the second box that I havent packed yet, but will do early Friday morning, I am going to put my blankets and one of my pillows inside. I also will put the 10-15 cd cases that are left unpacked in there as well. Oh, and my picture of Tim and Jon Black. Um...I think that might be it. Oh. My winter coat. Hopefully I can squeeze that in with the blankets. I should be able to; the blankets are not that big.
I also need to wash my sheets. I've been putting that off cause of the move thing. But they need to be washed. Today.
I did not sleep well at all. I didnt sleep well this morning at all either. Not until about 10:45 when I woke up and took my shirt and bra off did I fall asleep. It is so god damned hot in here I could scream. My sheets were sticking to me, I had the window open and the temperature set as low as possible and still I was sweating.
I am seriously wondering what is going on at my mother's house. I want to know who she is calling and complaining to, what she is thinking, whether she will let me Jacob, and I would like to know what level of pissed off she is at.
Okay, so some good news. Well, not even good news, just wonderful news. Ive been filling out applications for different places in Minneapolis online...and yeah. One of them was for a Red Lobster that was opening up. Well, this particular Red Lobster called Matthew and Mayas place looking for me, cause that was the number I gave them, yadda yadda yadda. The point is that they called. I am...well, pret-ty freaking happy about it. So, when Briana gets back from work I am going to borrow her cell phone and call the women who called for me yesterday.
God damn, it is hot here. I just went to the laundry room thing and on my way back the hallway felt so good. It was perfect. I need to take a shower. But a cool one, not a warm one. Damn its hot! Im so sleepy. I really am. Its so fucking hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 10th, 2006|06:01 pm] |
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Minneapolis soon. Damn. Thats sooooo soon!! Wow. Things are going to be wonderful. |
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| God damn The Beatles. |
[Feb. 26th, 2006|12:31 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | cranky | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "I am the Walrus" by The Beatles. | ] |
I swear. I hate that I can't listen to them anymore without thinking about him. WHY did he have to taint such a good band? Or, rather, why am I letting him? Oh, wait..because Im just a girl who got her heartbroken. Right. I forgot about that. This is so stupid. I keep going back and forth from being pissed off to wanting more than anything to talk to him. The thing is that I dont even know what I would say if I could. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Grr..anyway, I did stuff today and I feel kind of accomplished because I got up and did things that needed to be done today. Tomorrow, Clint, Tim, Corbet the asshole, Briana and I are all going to Memphis, TN to see Sun Kil Moon or maybe its just the Mark K guy. I dont know. I dont even really like them/him that much so I dont know quite how I ended up going. I do know that I will be in the front passenger seat next to Clint while he drives cause I think he knows just like I do that I am the caretaker. I will be the one reminding him to take a certain exit, etc. Clint and I function well together as the responsible ones. Its kind of funny, cause..he just isnt responsible unless he ABSOLUTELY has to be. Anyway...
Im probably going to go to bed soon because I am ever so tired. I have a big day ahead of me. Sheesh. Goodnight. |
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| Thank god Its Friday... |
[Feb. 24th, 2006|08:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | pleased | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Monuments and Melodies" by Incubus | ] |
Well, my morning was alright, mostly. I missed class because I overslept, but I'm allowed to do that occasionally, though, right? It was such good sleep, though. The kind that you only get when you aren't supposed to be asleep or when you can't take advantage of it. Anyway, after that I got up and took a shower, ate lunch then at 1:30 went with my roomate/friend to meet a group of people in the lobby of our dorm to go to the local animal shelter so we could walk the dogs.
The group was really small, which was alright because we were all able to play with all of the dogs. I had a great time. I walked one of the older dogs, though he was still a young adult. He was a chocolate lab and he was just a complete sweetheart. I just love him. He was so funny, he listened really well and you could tell he missed being touched by humans. When I would pet him he would wriggle around and try to slide himself up under my hand so I would pet him more. He was just adorable.
Then there were several puppies there, too. There were three little golden retriever puppies there who were all cuddled together, sleeping. They were adorable. There was one of them that was a much darker brown than the other two and he was sooo cute. They were all very friendly and soft. I hated leaving.
There were seven pit bull puppies in the other big kennel and they were just wonderful. There were six boys and one little girl who I just fell in love with. Unfortunately, the people who run the animal shelter, though they are really nice, dont clean the place up nearly as much as they should. So, my roomate, the girl who sets this stuff up, and I decided to give them a bath and to clean out their kennel. So, I dried and watched the first set of puppies after the other two washed them, then we switched up but in the end I got to do the last puppy and watch all of the puppies while they went to clean out the kennel. It was so cute, my roomate and I had set our purses on the floor while we were bathing the puppies to get them out of the way and once all but one of the puppies were dry they started chewing on the straps and pulling on them while one of them fell asleep on my purse. The little girl was the last to get her bath so she, while I was drying her off with a towel, fell asleep on me. Then one of them decided it was time to go to the bathroom right in the center of the floor. Luckily, none of the others noticed right away so they continued to play with the purses or sleep on them depending on which puppy it was. Unfortunately, there werent any paper towels within reach so I had to wait for the girls to get back to ask for some. By the time they got back, the big fluffy one had walked right through it so his feet got a second bath, then they all went back to the kennel to play some more. It was so hard to leave them. I got REALLY attached to the little girl pit bull. She was just so cute.
This is kind of what the pit bull puppies looked like...this is not an actual picture of them but just one I found on the internet that reminded me of them. When I get my pictures developed that I took today I will post some of them on here:
In the end, I was very happy with what I did. This is a weekly thing so I am planning on going every week. The girl who sets this thing up is hoping to have some sort of a fundraiser for the shelter. Shes thinking about having a big clean up thing at our basketball stadium, which we call the RSEC (Regional Special Events Center) after a game later this semester. We would get paid about 250.00 for cleaning it up and then we would donate the money to the shelter. I think this is something I can see myself becoming really involved in. Finally, something other than just the bullshit sororities where you have to pay money to have friends. This is actually worthwhile and I am really happy that I decided to go. |
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| Daddy vs. Daughters |
[Feb. 23rd, 2006|07:42 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  To get a puppy. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Hot Black Silk" by Songs:Ohia | ] |
Well, from what I understand, Maya thinks she and Daddy need to get a puppy. I second that opinion. In fact, I am fully supporting it. I did a fair share of whining and pouting and oo-ing and ah-ing over puppy pictures this afternoon. I think the battle is won.
What do you think, Maya? Should we ask Daddy for a puppy? |
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| Um..here.. |
[Feb. 22nd, 2006|11:49 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | crappy | ] |
the Romantic
Test finished! | you chose BY - your Enneagram type is FOUR.
"I am unique"
Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.
How to Get Along with Me
- Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
- Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value
myself.
- Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
- Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy,
I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
- Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!
What I Like About Being a Four
- my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep
level
- my ability to establish warm connections with people
- admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
- my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
- being unique and being seen as unique by others
- having aesthetic sensibilities
- being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me
What's Hard About Being a Four
- experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
- feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
- feeling guilty when I disappoint people
- feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me
- expecting too much from myself and life
- fearing being abandoned
- obsessing over resentments
- longing for what I don't have
Fours as Children Often
- have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in
original game
s
- are very sensitive
- feel that they don't fit in
- believe they are missing something that other people have
- attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.
- become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood
- feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents'
divorce)
Fours as Parents
- help their children become who they really are
- support their children's creativity and originality
- are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings
- are sometimes overly critical or overly protective
- are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed
Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele
The Enneagram Made Easy
Discover the 9 Types of People
HarperSanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages
You are not completely happy with the result?!
You chose BY
Would you rather have chosen:
AY (EIGHT)
CY (SIX)
BX (NINE)
BZ (FIVE)
|  |
My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: | You scored higher than 21% on ABC | | You scored higher than 54% on XYZ |
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| Two things I hate most about being a female... |
[Feb. 22nd, 2006|09:50 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | Queasy | ] |
1. We are given the "gift" of having the ability to shove watermelon sized things out of our bodies.
2. Because we are lucky enough to have that ability, nature decided that our insides should fall out every twenty-eight days. How nice of them to make us pay compensation for being able to split our bodies in two. |
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| This thing.. |
[Feb. 19th, 2006|08:54 pm] |
When I went to take some of these test things I went to take one about what pie I would be. They lied both times. At first I was apple pie then the bastards tried to tell me that I was fucking pumpkin pie. Bullshit. And no matter what I did I wasn't pecan pie. But anyway..here is this:
| You Are a Boston Creme Donut | 
You have a tough exterior. No one wants to mess with you.
But on the inside, you're a total pushover and completely soft.
You're a traditionalist, and you don't change easily.
You're likely to eat the same doughnut every morning, and pout if it's sold out. |
I hate Boston Cream donuts. I prefer glazed with white icing and rainbow sprinkles. Raindow sprinkles are the way to my heart. |
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| Hmm.. |
[Feb. 17th, 2006|12:00 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
Well, there isn't much to say except for the fact that I am on a major Death Cab for Cutie binge right now. Man, oh, man do I miss the EggysGirl days or what. Actually, I don't know. I mean, I do. I really, really, do more than anything. But....if it hadn't been for those being over...I never would have met my Daddy. And that is a MAJOR bonus of those days being over. So..I don't know. I just...I don't want to let go, but at the same time, if it's going to be over I wish it would just get on with it so I can live my life. I am a little afraid of letting go though, because it seems like if I let go then...no one wants him. Cause lord fucking knows SHE doesn't. If she did she wouldn't ignore him and take him for granted. She is so blind. So god damned blind. Fuck.
Anyway, although I like being alone sometimes without Briana and Tim...it gets lonely. I'm having a lot of conflicting thoughts on the matter. Sometimes being a girl is no fun. All you do is cry, sometimes.
I wish I could have seen Martin Luther King Jr. give his "I have a Dream" speech. That would have been incredible. I'm listening to it right now, it's really amazing. Wow, his voice sends chills through me. Man, I wish I could have been there. I'm off to listen to MLK Jr. for a bit. |
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| Waffle-time... |
[Feb. 14th, 2006|09:25 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  loved | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Rollin' Back" by My Morning Jacket | ] |
Well, I was told that I should sleep more but..that didn't work. Tim came up just as Briana was leaving, but before he did he went to the cafeteria and bought food for him because today is Waffle Day at the caf. Unfortunatley, for him at least, he had never gotten a waffle by himself before. Briana or I had always been there. Sooo..he didn't know that you had to put the batter in one of those machine things and then you could basically make it yourself. Long story short, he came up without a waffle and was sad. I wanted food and he told me that he would give me money if I would get one for him while I was there. So, I went and got him a waffle because I take care of my friends because I am like the mother of the group. The first waffle I got was for me but it didn't turn out right, but I was going to deal with it. The second one was for Tim but it failed. Miserably. So, the third was perfect. But, I switched the first and thrid around so that I got the good one. Selfish, I know, but he just doesn't care about that kind of thing. In the end, Tim and I had our own little Waffle Party. Well, not really. But we both ate waffles at the same time.
Now..as for a certain ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) fates_schmuck, I just wanted to tell say Thank You, again. Reading your post probably has made my day. Thank you, Daddy, so very very much. I just wanted to tell you that I can't help but smile when I think about you. You couldn't make me sad.
Well, as for my plans for tonight, Kacie wants me to go with her to a play called The Vagina Monolouges, which from my understanding is some sort of a feminist thing. I don't know. I'm not one much for feminism. I sort of want to go with her...but not really. My mother said she was going to drop by today, too. I don't know what she plans on doing once she gets here, but if it involves me having to listen to her complain...I don't want to have anything to do with it.
Why does April seem so far away? Why, oh, why?
Happy Valentine's Day. |
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| It's here... |
[Feb. 14th, 2006|12:15 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | lonely | ] |
Well, it's Valentine's Day. In fact, it is only 16 minutes into it and I have already cried. Go me. |
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| I thought I was going to be home tonight.... |
[Feb. 12th, 2006|10:41 pm] |
Damn it. Damn those friends of mine. So, Briana, Tim and I all got up went down to the lobby in the morning. Tim was going to take Briana to work, so they left but I was warned that he would call me later so we could do something. So, I went back upstairs and checked my email. That was when I knew today was going to be a good day. I didn't answer my emails quite yet because I wanted to figure out how to say what I wanted to say. The phone rang and it was Tim. He asked what I was doing and the next thing I knew I was getting dressed and putting make-up on to head downstairs so we could go do something.
( Read more... ) |
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| My ideal Daddy.. |
[Feb. 11th, 2006|11:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  productive | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Stop the Show" by Built to Spill | ] |
I don't know why I felt like making this post, but all I know is that I was on kinkycards.com and I saw a Get Well Soon card that made me wish I was sick so that someone could send me that card. Well, if you are interested...read ahead.
( Read more... ) |
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