Kept like a secret.

Wed, 24 May 2006 20:41:15 GMT

You know, moving away from all of your friends is not easy, but after a while you get used to it, you think. Then it blows you away all the emotions that you have been carrying around under your belt when you talk to your friends again. You think about how much they mean to you, all the things you have done together, how you watched them grow up, how much you miss their little quirks, and then also what their life is like without you, if they think about you, how you missed the turning point in their life that really marked their bridge into adulthood, and your goodbye. I don't think that I realized just how proud I am that Tim and Briana were my friends. Just thinking about them makes me beam with pride, I wish that Tim would sing to me. I miss him singing to me. I miss them so much and Im so afraid that I will never see them again. Tim is moving into an apartment with Corbet which is just astounding. To me, Tim is still that silly kid. He isnt old enough to rent an apartment or go to college. My best friend in the whole world is growing up and I missed it all. I missed it, I missed his graduation, I missed the last semster of his high school career, I missed his prom, I missed it all. Most of all, I miss him.

Wed, 24 May 2006 15:18:52 GMT

Dear Lord, has it been a month already?!? I am so not ready for another week of bloody hell. God damn my uterus.

Tue, 23 May 2006 01:04:19 GMT

"You know, the bad things about good things, is that they get caught in your teeth."

--Daddy after eating a yogurt granola bar

Finally.

Mon, 08 May 2006 15:03:59 GMT

So, I reset my password and now I can log on here again. Im in a weird mood right now. I saw some things that I am wondering about and now isnt the appropriate time to ask questions about it, so I have to wait.

Daddy's birthday is on Wednesday and he wants me to write something for him. I don't know what to write because I feel like everything I write lately is just...blech; no good. I don't do fiction, I am horrible at writing poems and so that basically leaves writing out how I feel but that would just be repeating everything I tell him all the time. So, I dont know.

I do know that I want to be better at this, I want to not feel jealousy. But maybe it's that deep down, I want him for myself. Maybe it's that I am not fit for this. Granted, that wouldn't matter to me, because this is not an option for me. He is who I meant to be with and who I will be with for the rest of life, there is no negotiating that. I just...I've only had you in person for a month, she has had you for what, 6 months or something? Please, don't forget that. Maybe I need to find someone else to have interest in so that I am not solely focused on you and when you and Maya spend time together it wont be so hard on me. Maybe...but no, because I dont want anyone else. I just want you.

I looked for, but couldn't find the remote.

Tue, 21 Mar 2006 16:26:14 GMT

I am still having a hard time believing I actually live here now. It hasnt quite sunk in yet that I get to be this happy; I am allowed to be here and feel loved, cared for, and appreciated finally. I dont know that I could even make a coherent post about all of this because I dont really have the words for it. All I know is that I have never been happier in my life. I dont ever want this to end, and as far as I am concerned it isnt going to.

I love you, Daddy. And Im sorry for making you tired today.

Thu, 16 Mar 2006 16:28:27 GMT

I cant even really comprehend that I am leaving tomorrow. Its insane.

I did get a nice phone call from my grandmother, though. We cried and that was the first time Ive ever heard her cry. She doesnt really show emotion. And shes never said I love you before. Ever.

Like a freight train.

Tue, 14 Mar 2006 21:07:52 GMT

Its all hitting me now. All of the emotions that come with something like this are finally sinking in. None of it changes what I want, need, and am going to do but its going to make these next two days or so pretty weird. Aside from the excitement that spans several galaxies, and the nervousness of being in a new environment, there is now sadness and to be honest..I'm a little scared.

I'm scared for my future which is uncertain, at least to a point. I'm scared about having to make new friends, something which I am notorious for not being that great at because of my introvertedness. I'm scared because I will be almost completely out of my comfort zone. And most importantly, because I don't even have my mother to fall back on anymore. I think it might finally be hitting me that the only person in my family that I have is Jacob, but I cant rely on him for much because he is just a child. I just hate that this is all hitting me now. I wish that it could have waited until I got settled there. Then it would be like, "Look at all this stuff I have, leaving wasnt such a bad idea." Not that I think it is, because that isnt it. I just..am going to feel so out of place. I hate being out of my element. But I know this is going to be so good for me, I just have to get beyond this point.

I'm sad. Really sad. And it doesnt help that I dont even have my mother supporting me. Granted, its not like this is anything new; I just hoped that maybe she would this once. But I guess I hope that every time I do something. I just wish that she would actually stop thinking about herself for once. I dont want to cry anymore. I sick and tired of that. I just want to be happy. Completely happy. But that will never happen.

The process of moving.

Sun, 12 Mar 2006 20:12:02 GMT

Well...I told her. I gave her the letter and I havent heard from her yet, so I dont know what that means but I bet its nothing good. Or..if there is a god, it could mean that she is thinking things over so that when she does call she wont be angry. But..that is more unlikely than the earth exploding right now. I've done my part so now it is up to her. I want so badly to see Jacob again before I leave but I dont think that is going to happen. And I hate that she is using him as revenge for me. Or possibly could be using him as that.

I've been packing and rumaging through my belongings for the past week and it is finally looking like Ive done something. All I have left to do after I wash all my clothes is to pack them, then pack the other stupid random shit, which there is not much left of. Five books, posters, two or three notebooks which could very well not make it into the suitcase but thats okay, bathroom stuff, my two towels, etc. But I may weed out some of that stuff. And in the second box that I havent packed yet, but will do early Friday morning, I am going to put my blankets and one of my pillows inside. I also will put the 10-15 cd cases that are left unpacked in there as well. Oh, and my picture of Tim and Jon Black. Um...I think that might be it. Oh. My winter coat. Hopefully I can squeeze that in with the blankets. I should be able to; the blankets are not that big.

I also need to wash my sheets. I've been putting that off cause of the move thing. But they need to be washed. Today.

I did not sleep well at all. I didnt sleep well this morning at all either. Not until about 10:45 when I woke up and took my shirt and bra off did I fall asleep. It is so god damned hot in here I could scream. My sheets were sticking to me, I had the window open and the temperature set as low as possible and still I was sweating.

I am seriously wondering what is going on at my mother's house. I want to know who she is calling and complaining to, what she is thinking, whether she will let me Jacob, and I would like to know what level of pissed off she is at.

Okay, so some good news. Well, not even good news, just wonderful news. Ive been filling out applications for different places in Minneapolis online...and yeah. One of them was for a Red Lobster that was opening up. Well, this particular Red Lobster called Matthew and Mayas place looking for me, cause that was the number I gave them, yadda yadda yadda. The point is that they called. I am...well, pret-ty freaking happy about it. So, when Briana gets back from work I am going to borrow her cell phone and call the women who called for me yesterday.

God damn, it is hot here. I just went to the laundry room thing and on my way back the hallway felt so good. It was perfect. I need to take a shower. But a cool one, not a warm one. Damn its hot! Im so sleepy. I really am. Its so fucking hot. Hot. Hot. Hot.

Sat, 11 Mar 2006 00:02:30 GMT

Minneapolis soon. Damn. Thats sooooo soon!! Wow. Things are going to be wonderful.

God damn The Beatles.

Sun, 26 Feb 2006 06:40:08 GMT

I swear. I hate that I can't listen to them anymore without thinking about him. WHY did he have to taint such a good band? Or, rather, why am I letting him? Oh, wait..because Im just a girl who got her heartbroken. Right. I forgot about that. This is so stupid. I keep going back and forth from being pissed off to wanting more than anything to talk to him. The thing is that I dont even know what I would say if I could. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Grr..anyway, I did stuff today and I feel kind of accomplished because I got up and did things that needed to be done today. Tomorrow, Clint, Tim, Corbet the asshole, Briana and I are all going to Memphis, TN to see Sun Kil Moon or maybe its just the Mark K guy. I dont know. I dont even really like them/him that much so I dont know quite how I ended up going. I do know that I will be in the front passenger seat next to Clint while he drives cause I think he knows just like I do that I am the caretaker. I will be the one reminding him to take a certain exit, etc. Clint and I function well together as the responsible ones. Its kind of funny, cause..he just isnt responsible unless he ABSOLUTELY has to be. Anyway...

Im probably going to go to bed soon because I am ever so tired. I have a big day ahead of me. Sheesh. Goodnight.

Thank god Its Friday...

Sat, 25 Feb 2006 02:09:51 GMT

Well, my morning was alright, mostly. I missed class because I overslept, but I'm allowed to do that occasionally, though, right? It was such good sleep, though. The kind that you only get when you aren't supposed to be asleep or when you can't take advantage of it. Anyway, after that I got up and took a shower, ate lunch then at 1:30 went with my roomate/friend to meet a group of people in the lobby of our dorm to go to the local animal shelter so we could walk the dogs.

The group was really small, which was alright because we were all able to play with all of the dogs. I had a great time. I walked one of the older dogs, though he was still a young adult. He was a chocolate lab and he was just a complete sweetheart. I just love him. He was so funny, he listened really well and you could tell he missed being touched by humans. When I would pet him he would wriggle around and try to slide himself up under my hand so I would pet him more. He was just adorable.

Then there were several puppies there, too. There were three little golden retriever puppies there who were all cuddled together, sleeping. They were adorable. There was one of them that was a much darker brown than the other two and he was sooo cute. They were all very friendly and soft. I hated leaving.

There were seven pit bull puppies in the other big kennel and they were just wonderful. There were six boys and one little girl who I just fell in love with. Unfortunately, the people who run the animal shelter, though they are really nice, dont clean the place up nearly as much as they should. So, my roomate, the girl who sets this stuff up, and I decided to give them a bath and to clean out their kennel. So, I dried and watched the first set of puppies after the other two washed them, then we switched up but in the end I got to do the last puppy and watch all of the puppies while they went to clean out the kennel. It was so cute, my roomate and I had set our purses on the floor while we were bathing the puppies to get them out of the way and once all but one of the puppies were dry they started chewing on the straps and pulling on them while one of them fell asleep on my purse. The little girl was the last to get her bath so she, while I was drying her off with a towel, fell asleep on me. Then one of them decided it was time to go to the bathroom right in the center of the floor. Luckily, none of the others noticed right away so they continued to play with the purses or sleep on them depending on which puppy it was. Unfortunately, there werent any paper towels within reach so I had to wait for the girls to get back to ask for some. By the time they got back, the big fluffy one had walked right through it so his feet got a second bath, then they all went back to the kennel to play some more. It was so hard to leave them. I got REALLY attached to the little girl pit bull. She was just so cute.

This is kind of what the pit bull puppies looked like...this is not an actual picture of them but just one I found on the internet that reminded me of them. When I get my pictures developed that I took today I will post some of them on here:

In the end, I was very happy with what I did. This is a weekly thing so I am planning on going every week. The girl who sets this thing up is hoping to have some sort of a fundraiser for the shelter. Shes thinking about having a big clean up thing at our basketball stadium, which we call the RSEC (Regional Special Events Center) after a game later this semester. We would get paid about 250.00 for cleaning it up and then we would donate the money to the shelter. I think this is something I can see myself becoming really involved in. Finally, something other than just the bullshit sororities where you have to pay money to have friends. This is actually worthwhile and I am really happy that I decided to go.

Daddy vs. Daughters

Fri, 24 Feb 2006 02:17:55 GMT

Well, from what I understand, Maya thinks she and Daddy need to get a puppy. I second that opinion. In fact, I am fully supporting it. I did a fair share of whining and pouting and oo-ing and ah-ing over puppy pictures this afternoon. I think the battle is won.

What do you think, Maya? Should we ask Daddy for a puppy?

Um..here..

Wed, 22 Feb 2006 17:49:55 GMT

the Romantic
Test finished!

you chose BY - your Enneagram type is FOUR.

"I am unique"

Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

How to Get Along with Me

Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.

Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value
myself.

Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.

Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy,
I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.

Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!

What I Like About Being a Four

my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep
level

my ability to establish warm connections with people

admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life

my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor

being unique and being seen as unique by others

having aesthetic sensibilities

being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me

What's Hard About Being a Four

experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair

feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved

feeling guilty when I disappoint people

feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me

expecting too much from myself and life

fearing being abandoned

obsessing over resentments

longing for what I don't have

Fours as Children Often

have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in
original game
s

are very sensitive

feel that they don't fit in

believe they are missing something that other people have

attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.

become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood

feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents'
divorce)

Fours as Parents

help their children become who they really are

support their children's creativity and originality

are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings

are sometimes overly critical or overly protective

are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed

Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele

The Enneagram Made Easy

Discover the 9 Types of People

HarperSanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages

You are not completely happy with the result?!

You chose BY

Would you rather have chosen:

AY (EIGHT)

CY (SIX)

BX (NINE)

BZ (FIVE)

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 21% on ABC
You scored higher than 54% on XYZ

Link: The Quick and Painless ENNEAGRAM Test written by felk on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Two things I hate most about being a female...

Wed, 22 Feb 2006 15:59:47 GMT

1. We are given the "gift" of having the ability to shove watermelon sized things out of our bodies.

2. Because we are lucky enough to have that ability, nature decided that our insides should fall out every twenty-eight days. How nice of them to make us pay compensation for being able to split our bodies in two.

This thing..

Mon, 20 Feb 2006 02:56:32 GMT

When I went to take some of these test things I went to take one about what pie I would be. They lied both times. At first I was apple pie then the bastards tried to tell me that I was fucking pumpkin pie. Bullshit. And no matter what I did I wasn't pecan pie. But anyway..here is this:

You Are a Boston Creme Donut

You have a tough exterior. No one wants to mess with you.
But on the inside, you're a total pushover and completely soft.
You're a traditionalist, and you don't change easily.
You're likely to eat the same doughnut every morning, and pout if it's sold out.

What Donut Are You?

I hate Boston Cream donuts. I prefer glazed with white icing and rainbow sprinkles. Raindow sprinkles are the way to my heart.

Hmm..

Fri, 17 Feb 2006 06:16:07 GMT

Well, there isn't much to say except for the fact that I am on a major Death Cab for Cutie binge right now. Man, oh, man do I miss the EggysGirl days or what. Actually, I don't know. I mean, I do. I really, really, do more than anything. But....if it hadn't been for those being over...I never would have met my Daddy. And that is a MAJOR bonus of those days being over. So..I don't know. I just...I don't want to let go, but at the same time, if it's going to be over I wish it would just get on with it so I can live my life. I am a little afraid of letting go though, because it seems like if I let go then...no one wants him. Cause lord fucking knows SHE doesn't. If she did she wouldn't ignore him and take him for granted. She is so blind. So god damned blind. Fuck.

Anyway, although I like being alone sometimes without Briana and Tim...it gets lonely. I'm having a lot of conflicting thoughts on the matter. Sometimes being a girl is no fun. All you do is cry, sometimes.

I wish I could have seen Martin Luther King Jr. give his "I have a Dream" speech. That would have been incredible. I'm listening to it right now, it's really amazing. Wow, his voice sends chills through me. Man, I wish I could have been there. I'm off to listen to MLK Jr. for a bit.

Waffle-time...

Tue, 14 Feb 2006 15:37:45 GMT

Well, I was told that I should sleep more but..that didn't work. Tim came up just as Briana was leaving, but before he did he went to the cafeteria and bought food for him because today is Waffle Day at the caf. Unfortunatley, for him at least, he had never gotten a waffle by himself before. Briana or I had always been there. Sooo..he didn't know that you had to put the batter in one of those machine things and then you could basically make it yourself. Long story short, he came up without a waffle and was sad. I wanted food and he told me that he would give me money if I would get one for him while I was there. So, I went and got him a waffle because I take care of my friends because I am like the mother of the group. The first waffle I got was for me but it didn't turn out right, but I was going to deal with it. The second one was for Tim but it failed. Miserably. So, the third was perfect. But, I switched the first and thrid around so that I got the good one. Selfish, I know, but he just doesn't care about that kind of thing. In the end, Tim and I had our own little Waffle Party. Well, not really. But we both ate waffles at the same time.

Now..as for a certain fates_schmuck, I just wanted to tell say Thank You, again. Reading your post probably has made my day. Thank you, Daddy, so very very much. I just wanted to tell you that I can't help but smile when I think about you. You couldn't make me sad.

Well, as for my plans for tonight, Kacie wants me to go with her to a play called The Vagina Monolouges, which from my understanding is some sort of a feminist thing. I don't know. I'm not one much for feminism. I sort of want to go with her...but not really. My mother said she was going to drop by today, too. I don't know what she plans on doing once she gets here, but if it involves me having to listen to her complain...I don't want to have anything to do with it.

Why does April seem so far away? Why, oh, why?

Happy Valentine's Day.

It's here...

Tue, 14 Feb 2006 06:17:22 GMT

Well, it's Valentine's Day. In fact, it is only 16 minutes into it and I have already cried. Go me.

I thought I was going to be home tonight....

Mon, 13 Feb 2006 04:59:28 GMT

Damn it. Damn those friends of mine. So, Briana, Tim and I all got up went down to the lobby in the morning. Tim was going to take Briana to work, so they left but I was warned that he would call me later so we could do something. So, I went back upstairs and checked my email. That was when I knew today was going to be a good day. I didn't answer my emails quite yet because I wanted to figure out how to say what I wanted to say. The phone rang and it was Tim. He asked what I was doing and the next thing I knew I was getting dressed and putting make-up on to head downstairs so we could go do something.

Basically, when we "do something" we sit at his house and play with Cat One (who I renamed Anne after Anne Frank, because Tim said he rescued her;she was skin and bones, just like Anne Frank) and listen to music. Actually, today we watched a bit of Flavor of Love on VH1, too. He burnt me a copy of The Books and gave me a CD with a band called Fruit Bats on it.

Clint then called and said he would be over soon. He showed up and we proceeded to watch something on the computer and listen to Tim play the guitar. Then we all were talking about where we should go to eat and suddenly that changed into "Okay, let's go, let's get Corbet before we leave for Paducah."

Paducah is a town abot 45 minutes away and is the town around here that has the mall, bookstore, and good restaurants. I don't know how it switched from eating to Paducah but the next thing I knew we were piling in Clint's rental car (he got in a car accident two days ago so we figured it would be safest if he drove the 45 minutes in the snow). We picked up Corbet, ran by WalMart to see if Briana wanted to be taken anywhere for her lunch break and then we left. We went to Steak and Shake, Clint and I shared some weird spaghetti thing with chili and french fries, then we went to Best Buy and finally through the rest of the mall.

As we were driving home we were listening to some Primus CD that Clint had bought today and it was putting me to sleep. Primus, driving, and night time all add up to sleep for me.

Clint..he's always so..I don't know. He's a fucking liar, though. Stupid kid. I love 'im, though.

My ideal Daddy..

Sun, 12 Feb 2006 06:05:46 GMT

I don't know why I felt like making this post, but all I know is that I was on kinkycards.com and I saw a Get Well Soon card that made me wish I was sick so that someone could send me that card. Well, if you are interested...read ahead.

1. My Daddy is a caring, sweet, gentle Daddy. He doesn't want to have complete control over my life because he knows if I had no freewill I would not be able to do some of the thing he loves about me most.
2. My Daddy loves to tickle me. He thinks my giggles, laughs and squirms are cute and sexy.
3. My Daddy knows by the look in my eyes when I am interested in but also nervous about trying something new and when I do not want to do something but am too afraid or nervous to tell him for fear of letting him down.
4. My Daddy would comfort me after a bad day and tell me that everything will be okay.
5. My Daddy would punish me (not too severely) when I broke the rules, even if I didn't want to be punished.
6. My Daddy would know that spanking can serve as both a punishment and a reward.
7. My Daddy would know that I love being called names like "Daddy's good little girl," "little one," "Daddy's child slut," and "Daddy's fucktoy."
8. My Daddy loves to hold me and touch me when we are together, he likes to hold my hand, brush the hair away from my face, wrap his arms around me when we are cuddling, and to lay his hand on my leg when we are sitting beside eachother.
9. My Daddy shows respect for me even though I am the child.
10. My Daddy does not buy me flashy things but rather shows his appreciation and love of me through his words and actions.
11. My Daddy goes out of his way to make me feel appreciated, loved, pretty, and happy.
12. My Daddy would look at me right in the eyes and be able to show me how much he desires me just by that.
13. My Daddy doesn't want me to dress up slutty for other people to see. If he wants me to dress slutty, he wants me just for himself.
14. My Daddy feels pride when he is with me, just like I feel pride when I am at his side.
15. My Daddy likes to tell me that I am a good little girl, that I make him feel so good, and that I am MUCH better than Mommy.
16. My Daddy is willing and open to letting me test my limits, carefully, and to my own pace.
17. My Daddy can tell the difference between pleasurable-pain crying and just plain ole crying from pain.
18. My Daddy, though he may want to hurt me occasionally, would always take care of me afterward.
19. My Daddy never turns over on the bed and ignores me after he has played with me.
20. My Daddy does not seek out to humiliate me in a way that I would not enjoy.
21. My Daddy wants to teach me all sorts of things about being a good girl and about how to make him happy.
22. My Daddy realizes that care must be taken with my body and that I sometimes can get sore. He loves taking care of me then.
23. My Daddy likes the looks on people's faces when they hear me call him Daddy then they see me kiss him like a big girl.
24. My Daddy wants to test his limits with me, because he knows that its okay.
25. My Daddy loves me for the small things just as much for the big things.
26. My Daddy notices small things that I do and when he misses me he thinks of those things to make it feel like I am with him.

You know, sometimes I forget just how lucky I am to have a Daddy that loves me in every single way. Sometimes I take him for granted, and when I realize I have been doing that I hate it. He is the last person who deserves to be taken for granted. He has always been there for me, sure he has made mistakes, but so have I. Everybody does; we're all just human afterall.

There are so many things I love about him and our relationship. I love that I can be someone I was never able to be in my lifetime. I love that I can be this part of me that I can't be with anyone else. Even if I had another Daddy in my life, that person could never replicate the relationship I have with Matthew, they could never make me feel the way Matthew does because everyone is different. The way I feel, who I am with Matthew is something that is one of a kind. He brings out a little girl in me that I didnt know I had for a long time. I want to grow as a little girl with him and I want him to grow as a Daddy with me.

I was never able to be a child. I grew up way before I should have. I was raising my little brothers when I should have been playing with Barbies. I get a chance to relive my childhood through ageplay. Just like my personality when I was chronologically 5, when I am in "little girl mode" I am not loud and boisterous. I don't like a lot of flashy things that scream "little girl," I am quiet, shy and I can't be a little girl around anyone but Daddy. I don't feel the need to be "in your face" little girl.

I'm hungry.

Sat, 11 Feb 2006 22:43:45 GMT

I just saw something on my computer move and I don't know what it was. Hmm...oh, well.

Well, I just read a really good story. In a minute I am going to go get the link and the user name of the guy who wrote it. It's called "Daddy's Girl" and I thought it was great. If I were you I would take a look at it..for now I am going to go get lunch/super early dinner. When I get back I will edit this post and such. I wonder what people who are in poly relationships do for Valentine's Day...but I have been thinking about it and I don't think Tuesday will SO horrible. I mean..there is you.

Anyway, I'll edit in a while. Bye!

::Edit::

The user who wrote the story "Daddy's Girl" is wfeather.

In case you were wondering...these pretzels are good, but a mouthful of cum would be better.

I just....eh.

Sat, 11 Feb 2006 06:30:58 GMT

Tuesday. Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday. Damn it. Well...it isn't going to be AS bad as I thought, but still...no him.

Fuck. Do I ever not talk about him? Sheesh. I wish I could stop.

Anyway..I made my bed and now I'm sitting on it. Not lying in it, yet..but we will get to that sooner or later. It's so early but I am really tired. Maybe it was the getting up at 8:30 thing. I may go to bed after I finish writing this email.

Don't you LOVE it when people are having a car horn festival in the parking lot at midnight. I know I do.

Okay, so there is this guy. He's a nice guy, real sweet, not creepy really. But he googled me. He found out what high school I went to because my name was on a website about the technology thing I did at the beginning of my senior year. That wasn't that bad, a little odd but I could live with it. Then he found my xanga and basically read the whole thing and read Jerry's page and Bri's page. Now he knows all this shit about me and I don't know how I feel about it. I mean, he so far doesn't seem like he is bad-creepy, just overly investigative. I seriously feel kind of weird about it. I don't know. He just wants to know about me, it's just that I haven't known him for that long and he has read my xanga thing which, as you know,is something that reveals quite a bit about me and what I have gone through. I think..I don't like it. He's
asking about my friends and how they know me and how they know other people. Jesus. Here I was saying it was "alright" that he was overly investigative about me but now he's asking about my friends. I want to say that I know he's genuine but you never know. Ugh. I know what you're going to say. Tell him that the questions make you uncomfortable, I know, etc.

Anyway...well, I think I am going to go finish that email. Well, hope you have a good night.

I need to go grocery shopping...

Thu, 09 Feb 2006 15:36:08 GMT

Classes before 9a.m. should be permanently removed from all universities.

Later my mother is taking me to get vanilla soy milk and apple juice. Thank god.

I talked to Briana this morning and she basically confirmed everything I heard last night. Tim has been cheating on her for a while and this was her first love. I wish I could make her feel better. It kills me to know that she feels exactly like I do. She is probably one my all-time favorite people in the world because while she is always looking out for herself, she never does anything that would hurt someone else. She is just an amazingly genuine person and I hate seeing her hurt like this. And Tim...Tim. This is Tim, I don't understand how he could do this, it just its't his personality. He hates telling people that he already has plans and can't hang out because he is afraid of hurting their feelings. I just don't understand.

Thank you, my dear Mr. Schmuck for your insight, it's alot to process but I am soaking it in. I'm just glad that I can tell you. I'm more than highly appreciative of that.

The movie Red-eye...sucked. Do not rent it.

Oh, it's what he did to me.

Thu, 09 Feb 2006 09:41:00 GMT

Tonight Briana came home and she was sort of crying because her car had died, then later Tim came over. When they went to bed after the movie was over I heard them whispering back and forth. Basically, I was right. They were an item. A big one, but a secret one. Apparently, Tim cheated on her and she wants to break up with him. There was a lot of "I will always love you" and "You will always be special to me" going on, and then I realized that I was crying. Briana was saying the same things to me that Jerry had
said to me. Although there was also the "This is the hardest decision I have ever had to make," too. So, with them going back and forth I bet you can guess what that made me think about. You got it. Jerry. So, here is what I wrote. And keep in mind that when I get in these moods, they are this extreme for only a temporary amount of time now, before it was constant. I guess, much to my chagrin and distaste, I am somehow/somewhat moving very slightly but barely beyond him. I know this because of you. So, anyway, here is what I wrote...enjoy.

"Sometimes I find that my mind goes blank for the exception of you. You're all there is and I'm about to tell someone about it all. You and I are the only ones who know now, but I have to talk about you. If I can't talk to you, then I just need to talk about you. It's strange but it seems like you're so close. If I could just get in the god damned room. I don't even have to talk to you, I just want to watch you head fuck. Just to watch you do what you do. I love it, it's like watching someone paint.

While lying in bed tonight, I heard some things being said and all I could do was think about you. Your hair, your glasses, your crazy, maniacal laugh, the way you said my name after everything, the way you always repeated me when I said "Noth..in" in what you called "Annie's vocal inflection", the way you always knew how I felt or why I felt the way I did, the way you made me feel dead and alone after it all, the way you got into my head when so many people told me not to let you in, the way I let you get into my heart just so you could tear it apart, the way the sound of your voice can give me the chills, the way you talked about your boys, the way you spoke, the way you didn't care who heard you talking to me in public when it probably shouldn't have been said outloud in Harris-Teeter, the way I can never look at a men's public restroom the same again, the way I can never listen to The Beatles and not think of you for the rest of my life, the way I looked at myself in the mirror, the way I look at myself now, the way we seemed to talk about everything and anything so that nothing in this world does somehow not come back to you, the way we talked about the seven degrees of Jerry and it turns out you really are somehow related to everyone and anyone in my mind, how you told me you knew I had never broken my nose because it was perfect, how you told me that night that you apologized..something that broke your heart to say outloud, how you fell asleep with me that night, and how perfect it was the next day, how you called yourself "Fixed", how the first time we fell asleep together you woke up after about 30 minutes and said you didnt want to but you were going to hang up so you didnt get a brain tumor but then how you didnt remember saying that the next day, how you would always come in and fool with your name so it related to me or something we were talking about, how no matter how excited you got about head fucking someone..if I told you to chill out..you would, how you talked about Captian Carl and Miss Evon, how you have seemed to have recited the lyrics to every song known to man kind, how all of my clothing reminds me of you, how my shampoo and my mothers shampoo smell like you, how this room just reeks of you. I was supposed to be your Yoko. We said that. We agreed on it and it was true, but just like John, you have seemed to have dropped off the face of the Earth. Lucky Yoko who knew that she couldn't talk to the one person in the world who made her smile, who made her happy, who made her feel alive because he had passed away and not because he was choosing to inflict this upon her. Lucky fucking Yoko. I have your number sitting right in front of me everyday, and I don't know what it is that is keeping me from calling it. You never gave it to me, I never asked because it would have been pointless, I had no long distance. But..I have it. I think about it everyday, and I know I have the option, but I don't even know what I would say to you anymore. All I know is that I physically ache for your voice and for what we had. It takes all I have to pretend to function. You remember how you said that I had killed your soul? Well, Jerry, you don't know a god damned thing about your soul being killed. You have no idea. I don't understand why you are choosing to be unhappy. You have the key to your happiness right here, where I have always been. I was the one thing that made you feel alive, you said it, Caroline said it, Mike saw it and said it, Bri said it.

Do you have any idea what I would do to be able to hear your voice? I would do anything in this world to hear you. Jerry. God, I miss saying that name outloud. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm lost. I feel empty when I think about you. When I cough, I think about you, when my tummy hurts, I think about you. When I think about college, I think about you, when I think about where I want to transfer to, I think about you, when I see anything having to do with North Carolina, I think about you..no matter what...I am always thinking about you.

You have no idea what you have done to me. Look at this, I'm going crazy. I hear Briana and Tim in the hallway crying. Tim made some bad decisions and it hurt Briana, she is breaking up with him even though they are both madly in love with eachother. Tim is begging her not to. He doesnt think he will ever find someone like her again. She is saying "I will always love you, you will always be special to me, this is the hardest decision Ive ever had to make" but I dont think he is going to win. I didn't.

In a way, I want to move on. But I dont want to let you go. You are everything I ever wanted. You fit into my life perfectly. I have never in my life wanted anything as badly as I want you and I hate that you don't even give a damn. You don't care that I am hurting. You don't care that I cry myself through showers or to sleep. You don't care that this summer when I go see Ben Folds at Bonnaroo all I am going to be thinking about is you. I don't know what else to think about but you. You make so much sense to me. Nothing else does anymore. I just don't know what to do. I still feel like I am sitting in limbo like I was that week you told me we had to break it off. I still don't want to sit, stand, lie down, walk, run, sleep, be awake, shower, not shower, go anywhere, stay here. I just don't want to be. I need you, is basically what I am saying.

I just wonder if you feel the same as I do, have felt the same or even think about me cause I know you don't talk about me, at least not to the people who would know about it. I just wonder if you lie awake at night and look at your wife and think...'That is supposed to be Annie.' "

I hope that inspired some...feedback, I guess. I think that when I come to visit you, unless you want it sooner, we can have the Jerry from the beginning story. It's a weird one, so beware. I just...geez. It is 3:34 a.m. and I am on LJ typing about him. Fucking Jesus Christ I hate this. I just don't...know.

Anyway, thanks for listening to more of this depressing Jerry crap. I'm sorry I can't think about too many other things at 3:38a.m.

I wonder if I am going to get up at 7 for class...who can guess. I need to though, because we are reviewing for a test we are going to have next Tuesday. It would be beneficial is I went. It really would. I loved yesterday, even though for me right now it is still today. Well..that is about it.

This is what I call "doing homework"

Thu, 09 Feb 2006 00:13:06 GMT

First of all, I would like to inform you that I do not know how to whistle.

Secondly, I can't focus on my reading. Maybe I should go back on my meds. I don't know. I do know that the cereal I have is so god damned good. Seriously.

Beards are sexy.